apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize