apparently the secret to your success is patron
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
