There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
