OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
