She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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