sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
