you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
