We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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