the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
