So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
