I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
ttyl tear gas
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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