Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize