I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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