Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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