I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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