youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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