you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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