Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
