i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
