so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
