Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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