you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I will pee on everything he values.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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