I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
