remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
