Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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