if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I still have a little drunk in my system
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
