take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
soo... how was my night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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