Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
