he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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