apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
