I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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