Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I could make wine with my vomit
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
