My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
