took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
