the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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