I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
