I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
