where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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