Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
