there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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