So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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