I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
