thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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