shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
