U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
