my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
