I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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