Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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