i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
