After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
