I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cannot find my penis.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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