Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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