pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
