why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
