I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
