So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize