Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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