Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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