My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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