porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
