omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Randomize
