I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
