What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
