mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
