last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
