I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
