Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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