Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
