come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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