im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So many bounce houses so little time
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
