i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
