3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
