Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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