Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My bed smells like the plague
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