oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize