I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
